Inflection point
I’m realising now that I’m too far gone in my recovery, in a good way.
For the past 12 years I genuinely used to enjoy porn. I was into it, I felt like I was enjoying the slutty girls, it felt real on some level. I’d always watch amateur porn because it felt more real.
And somehow throughout all of it, I didn’t ever feel like anything was wrong. This is just normal behaviour. It’s always been this way, to watch copious amounts of porn in my life. Perhaps everyone else is doing the same thing, I thought.
I was wrong, and my perception of the world was flawed. Most people do not have a serious, copious porn addiction like I did.
Enjoyment is gone, the habit remains
So I objectively assessed that shit like vaping and porn has to be removed from my life, to benefit me going forward.
I don’t enjoy vape or porn in a euphoric way, like I did at one point. Porn used to feel like the best thing on the planet and nothing could compare, for years. Now, I genuinely don’t get that feeling anymore. I’m not saying that to psyche myself up, I just don’t.
But porn was my pacifier, my crutch for over a decade. Just like biting my nails, the whole ritual of going to watch porn, checking out my favourite categories/creators is still there. On a purely habit level.
Another part of me expects porn to pacify me and make me ‘happy’ like it did for so long, all of those years. But it’s genuinely just not putting out like it used to. I know too much.
The good side of it is that I don’t feel NEARLY as bad when I relapse anymore. It doesn’t feel like a massive toll, or an asteroid hit my head. The brain juice, psychic enjoyment of the substance is gone, and the repercussions feel like they’ve gone too.
A porn-free psyche
It’s dumb to say, but I’m genuinely not used to the porn-free mentality, which is why I probably keep going back on some level. I genuinely enjoy it less and less, I don’t get the satisfaction anymore. But yet, I’ve been doing it for so long that I still come back, because I’m used to doing that. Oh I’m about to go to bed, might as well crack on the porn. A stupid amount of time later… becuase that’s just how it’s always been.
I’ll literally be watching porn, doing the deed, but then everpresent in my head is just, ‘wow, this is pretty dumb’. I never used to get that. I know I’m going to regret the act, I’ll write a blog post, I’ll keep saying I need to quit etc. But for some reason I keep the habit going. There is just some deep, psychological conditioning going on there. Some very deep neural pathways.
I’m sinecerly halfway there, the mindset is fixed and resolved. I need to stop having habit take over now, and deliver the porn-free life that I deserve to myself.
No sulking, no depression, just good vibes and quitting porn.
Acknowledging the short term minor suckage every day. Knowing that in the long term, I will become more present, aware, awake, actualised and real as a human.
The days for escapism are behind me whether I like it or not. I can’t go back to being a full on porn addict even if I wanted to: my eyes are too open.
I now have to seal the deal, and get rid of this psychological burden once and for all.
2024 and forevermore, the years will get progressively more, and more porn free. The enjoyment will become even lesser than it already is now, which is much lower than it ever has been. Progressively, avoiding porn will become total autopilot for me.
Change is scary. My brain genuinely has a habit that it has been precision trained to do for over a decade. And I have paid a steep steep price that whole time. I am cleaner from porn than I ever have been, and I can see too much. My psychology is now too far remove to get back into porn and ‘enjoy’ it like I used to.
HIGH ENERGY PORN QUITTING PLAN
- No more ‘experimenting’ with porn to see if I still enjoy it like I used to. The answer is no, no, and no again. It gives me a different type a brain fucky feeling now, like my healthy psyche has been invaded, rather than the previous fishbowl being covered in more algae that was already coated.
- The vape has got to go. It’s too associated with not looking after myself and porn usage
- Also, nearly 35% higher stroke risk? Higher cardiovascular events? That can’t be worth it
- Embrace the short term suck. Yes, I will feel lower temporarily. This is the ‘price’ I pay for getting to appreciate the other side of a porn-free and substance-free existence.
- The withdrawals basically feel better than the relapse at this point anyway. I just have to kill that habituated part of me that uses the substance on some level
- Domain expansion. I will learn things about myself and how I should conduct my life that I never knew about, for the first time
- I know it sounds dramatic. But I have never felt as connected as I do at the moment to real life in over a decade